Nasty! Nasty! Course card distribution!

dear on-line journal,

Nasty day for me.. at least for now all seems well because I haven't failed any subject but my last course card distribution schedule is scheduled this coming 6 pm makes me jitter all the way. Its the last subject and I'm still nervous about it since I might fail the last subject. I somewhat studied for it and I'm still not sure if I passed the subject.. shit! I feel like shit.. im having butterflies in my stomach and I just wanna get over this.. I can't wait till 6:00. I guess I'll post something worthwhile later when I get home.. I need to get over this feeling first..

jitterbug!! jitterbug!! wake me up before you Go Go!!!

dear on-line journal,

sorry if i just got to post now.. The intenet in the house is again busted and I'm using the net at my cousins place. Got drunk last friday at home.. then off too krokodille gb3 with friends then off to cable car makati to get more liquour.. got home at around 5 am.. Just came from a debut at Bellvue last night and hung out at starbucks atc. Gosh! I still have debuts even at the age of 22. All the people there were young and hot and I just can't help but be a little embarassed about my age. There were a lot of chiks but sad to say I didn't get to meet even just one.. sigh.. Well then, moving on.. I was part of the 18 shots and got to shot a cuervo.. Damn! I miss that taste.. For this day I guess I'll just hang around the house cuz its my brothers birthday today! Happy birthday ken!! I'm just gonna call up my taas barkada and maybe hang out with them later at my place..

Larry Pineda...

Whenever sang my songs
On the stage, on my own
Whenever said my words
Wishing they would be heard
I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy?
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar
My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you?
Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer
So let me come to you
Close as I want to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I love your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you?
Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
How can I let you know
I'm more than the suit and the voice
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming
Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then I will know
that you are no dreamer


Back then I was a proud man. Nothing could go wrong in my life.. I felt I had it all.. Life in the grip of my hands, living it to the fullest.. Then, there it was.. I didn't really know how or when it happened but I find myself falling hopelessly for just a girl.. She was lovely back then and still is up to now. I guess she was there the same time as I was. She was a different person back then or maybe time wasn't by my side to know her well enough.. It was a long time ago but still, I'm bothered.. I try to pick myself up.. pick up the pieces of a shattered person.. a proud person reduced to cinders.. why? because there is this feeling of knowing that she will never be yours.. that the two of you individuals were never meant to be and what makes it hurt all the more living a life of loneliness desperately seeking for companionship and comfort.. yah, friends are there but its still different coming from a special someone. It just sucks to be me..

I had this image of her to be this perfect person. That she was flawless and unscathed. I looked at her as though she was on a pedestal. Venus.. Aphrodite.. that was her name.. Truth of the matter is that she was a better person than I was.. that made me want to be a better person around her.. A person I can spend my life with.. with dreams of cherishing each moment of time spent together.. Well, I guess destiny had different plans for the two of us..

Destiny wanted us to be friends.. Still admiring her from afar I tried to let go.. removing thoughts of her in my mind. Its just so hard being in the same company of friends as she is.. Its just so hard loving someone in silence, acting as if she didn't mean a thing or even two.. And the worse thing is that all your friends are jeering at the both of you which all adds up to the embarassment that you have to bear for the time that you are together.. and aside from that, made you think..

So I gave myself up to destiny.. It was never meant to be.. I still remember saying to myself that "you can only be friends and nothing more.. better keep your head below the clouds, an imperfect person to say the least". We weren't meant to be together so I walked away.. I went on with my life and she went on hers. I was beginning to feel alright but destiny is cruel to me..

Paths crossed as time passed in this mysterious thing we call life.. We would end up meeting each other again, spending time and company for a few stolen moments of a day that should have never happened. That day she asked for help and I came.. and that would also be the end of me. I got to know her even more.. We talked and talked.. Got comfortable with each other. She got to know more about me and I the same.. Worse part has yet to come.. I began to learn that she was also an imperfect person. She had her share of weaknesses and shortcummings.. She was not the same girl I used to see in her. This made me fall for her again. It really hurt this time because I was looking for someone normal and imperfect but suddenly destiny shows me that same person again.. but with the qualities I was looking for in someone new. I am again buried six feet under.. My mind is running around in circles. I'm totally confused.. Why is it so unfair!? I was alright for a moment but life suddenly takes my way to recovery.. again..

I still sometimes dream of you.. Did you even notice those stolen glances? Did you even know that I had my eyes on you? I want you to be happy even though it pains me that I am not that man who brings joy in your life. Take care then, always look after yourself.. Im always here if you need me.. Who am I to take arms against life and destiny? I try so hard to be strong.. Standing tall even in the face of sorrow, in the face of adversary, in the face of the person that I look at in the mirror..

Now, I'm still lonely. Coping up with everything, balancing my life and none to share it to. Life and destiny was never really good to me.. I feel that the sweetest things in life has been kept from me.. I'm all alone and just hope for someone special to save me.. save me from this sadness that is starting to seep inside of me.. save me.. from myself.. There are challenges in my life that I still have to overcome but I guess I'll have to bear my burdens all by myself..

Welcome to my life.. This is the life of a wanderer.. aimlessly walking.. not knowing where destiny will bring you.. a life of loniliness.. an inner struggle within the self.. I know I'll survive alone.. but just for once in my life I'd like to taste sweet life.. a taste of someone walking beside me.. even just a taste of.. happiness.. Isn't that easy to give..?

Slow mawnin

Dear on-line journal,

its a kinda slow mawnin for me..As usual I did my routine ab workout that ive been doing since the past two months.. gotta make the tummy go away..hehehehe.. Well IM just chillin to the sounds of john mayer thinking..

Last night me and my friends in a drinking session talked as usual but the most juicy topic was on the subject of relationships with main emphasis on the cheating side. I didn't really add much to the conversation because it was so fun hearing the comments of my friends on the issue. One friend said that it was part of a guys personality. That it was like a call of nature that whenever it itches, you whank it..hehehehe.. RSJ (hahahaha!)..! One friend proposed (because he is in the process of tasting different delicacies to put it in a not so harsh manner) that the guilt should not be entertained and yet be prepared for the consequences or even the karma.. one friend on the otherhand is guilty of "boating in two rivers"..hahahahaha! Although there wasn't any kind of intimacy on the second river.. He is really confused with his situation.. Another friend of mine was the stick to one gurl but is still open to the possibility that he may fall for another.. Temptation as they say is everywhere. I guess I still don't have a say in the situations because I haven't had any serious one in my whole lifetime as a person.. But that doesn't prevent me from having my opinion of course..

I guess relationships are really complex and complicated human processes and that finding time to balance it aside from your own life is painstakingly very hard. I guess with that and my standards for a girl, I never really bothered to get into one. I honestly still believe that if ever I would be in one, I'd want that to be forever. Wishful thinking as it may seem, its still what I want. Although I still am aware of the fact that I am human and it is in my nature to commit mistakes. enough on that topic.. see you later..

forgotten friend

Since there is no way of reaching you I guess this the best way of conveying my message to you. I don’t really know how to start this letter but I guess I'll have to be frank and say what’s in my heart. I know that there are things that happened in the past that I know didn’t go well between the two of us. Although they are better left untouched I choose to say it rather than be forgotten as an unfinished chapter in my life. These past few days have been very unpleasant that I don’t really know what to say about our friendship. Why are you like that if I may ask? It is as if I've never existed. I just feel that I've been an expendable part of your life, an old friend that is to be forgotten in the advent of new ones. I've tried so hard to rekindle a friendship that I feel is worth it. For once I'd like to be selfish and just pour out everything that’s eating me up inside. I really felt bad about the way you acted when we saw each other at Greenbelt. You didn't even stop to say hi or a mere hello. I also do not know why you stood me up on the day of my party. Not even a simple text message as to why you weren't there. Why do you have to be so damn insensitive? There are people in this world that care for you, if you know what I mean and you know damn right that the world does not revolve around you. God knows how hard I’ve tried to keep up with you. I don’t even know if the term "best friends" is just a title or something that is real. So you tell me, did I do something wrong? Was there something I missed out in order for me to deserve this kind of treatment? If so I apologize to whatever wrong i did in the past. I'm just thinking that it’s been a long time and that by now we are mature individuals. Is it wrong for us to be friends? If so I'll just walk away. How I wish that you'd never resort to that. I know I've been harsh by the words I've said but I'm still hoping that you prove me wrong. At this point I leave the decision for you to make. I did my part and its up to you to decide the ending. All I ask is your friendship, is that too hard of a thing to ask? So please don’t take away a friendship I value so much. Always remember that I’m always here, still waiting for that friend that I miss so dearly.

wala lang..

two

once upon a time i fell into darkness into a spell...and to a whole new world i entered and there my life inevitably shattered...away in another land i was far far away... was i ever to see the light of day?alone in my solitude... drowning each minute in thought...I never thought that something this sad was ever a thing for me i sought...and once upon a time i fell so helplessly in love with you...but what really makes me cry is you never really knew...

and as i wipe my tears and face the facts of life...I see a love so different, so special...a love the two of us would only know and understand...something unconditional and a love so free...not in the sweetest lock of our tender embraces that still, it makes me happy and contented...though a love wherein boundaries are placed though not to be broken...the love my heart knows of you, the love between us two...

trippin with words.. i need to practice to make this 16 stanza (phew!) for my filipino class and yes, its in tagalog.. I'm just damned for sure.. this is gonna be a hard one for me.. pray for me guys..

love letter for someone..

Hey, how are you? Hope you are doing okay don't really know how to start this letter but I guess I'll just have to say whats in my heart. The way I feel for you right now is just so hard to explain, you may find this a bit amusing but I guess this is my only way of making my feelings known to you and I hope that somehow I can be able to convey my message clearly. I never really planned nor expected to feel this way towards you. I've always perceived myself as a logical person, I've always analyzed things and situations deeply before deciding on them but somehow I find myself confused as to how to deal with the feelings I have for you. I've liked you since then but I figured taking it slow and starting with friendship is a much better thing to do. At this point I don't really know where I stand. I've loved a person before, I gave it my everything but I lost her. This probably explains the feelings of uncertainty but as I write this letter I'm pushing away my uncertainties and taking the risk because I know in my heart that you are worth it. By now I'm pretty sure that in my own way I've shown you how much I care for you. I've asked you out many times but I noticed there was always an excuse. But don't get me wrong. I understand this, I just hope that after you read this letter you'll be able to find it in your heart to really tell me if I have this chance. I can deal with rejection. I'm man enough to accept that, I just hope that this will not change a friendship that I value so much. I'm not pressuring you into anything but I hope you give me an honest answer. I don't wanna waste your time. Thanks a lot for reading this letter. I wish you well and please take good care of yourself all the time.

tambay tambayan...

Dear on-line journal,

nothing much for this day. Only had to do some minor adjustments to our project scheduled to be passed this Wednesday. I'm still having this hangover from last night's nasty, nasty, nasty party. Got drunk at Louie's place.. Had to much alcohol to drink. Oh shit! Too much beer and its making me cry cuz the belly's swelling up and I'm stacking up the calories. Oh well, its back to the treadmill and all.. Although I got drunk last night I was hoping to meet someone new, sad to say I didn't, but its all good.. At least there was a lot of drinks to consume and food to feast on.. FOOD TRIP!!! The pasta and chicken was just superb. I still remember the taste in my mouth and God, its so good. Oh, by the way im doing this post at my friend's crib (hehehehe... thug linggo..) im just chillin here with my homies from yfc and were having a heck of a time trippin.. cge na po..ba bay!!!!

Hey you!

Dear on-Line journal,

hey! Sorry if I just posted just now. Been busy these past few days and its just been hell for me. Well I just made a scrapbook for one of my majors in school. It was so... hmmm... How would I describe it..? "girlaloo".. Oh, and the term "kikay" also applies.. Had to shell out around 600 bucks for making that scrap book. I had to get in touch with my "feminine side", if there is to get the job done. Thankfully, I got the job done just in time. Thanks to jb and sam for accompanying me in buying materials for the project.nasty shit.. It took me all night till the wee hours of the morning to get it done..Well this day was just so so. Met up with some groupmates discussing projects and all.. Spent sometime talking with mat W. When all the peeps were gone. Had a fun time talking to him trying to convince him that I was an oook person with my life.. hehehehe.. Even jen my other groupmate thought I was that shallow type of guy when we talked in the latter part of the day. I guess I can't blame them cuz its that only part of my personality that I show to friends compared to my really close friends. I choose to show them that cuz its really nice to see persons who'd accept you for who you are and have no qualms with what you have to offer. I know that IM really a deep person and choose to show that serious side when its really needed or people I know that can understand and be at par with that kind of thinking. People sometimes can be so judgmental, judging you for the little time that they know and spend with you. They initially perceive the first impressions as lasting ones which in my principles is incorrect. Every person has a story to tell in a sense that we do not live their lives because we have to live ours. People can be so gullible seeing only what they want to see and not seeing people for what they are.. Seeing beyond physical boundaries and into a persons soul.. I guess that's enough deep talk from me.. I'll retire for now and I'll just catch you later..

its been a while..

dear On-line journal,

hey! its been a while since i last posted..Well, to tell you frankly why I haven't posted for days is because my internet connection got busted for almost two weeks so no internet for me.. well I have got lots to do for the rest of the week.. even for this day and I just hope to accomplish them with flying colors.. wish me luck ok? bye..